Not what you expected at 47…

Being 47 has been hard, and especially in 2018. I’m not going to lie, it’s been really rough. Most of the time I’ve felt emotionally and mentally drained. But what I’ve learned most within these past few months, is to love fiercely. I am usually an open book, but I closed those chapters because I didn’t want to let anyone in. Now, I am unbinding that book so you can see what has happened in the life of a 47 yr old woman.

First of all, DEPRESSION SUCKS! Yes, for the past 6 months I have been spiraling down a staircase of uncertainty. With the passing of my father-in-law, the family issues with money and who gets what, the personal issues with school,  how to manage a social life, then the comments from people like, “hey, why are you fat, you’re supposed to be skinny”,  have all come down me like I am Alice tumbling down the tunnel of “where the heck am I going to land?” It’s affected my family life, my marriage, my friendships and my well being. I looked to drinking more, eating more then purging (I don’t want to go back there again) and sitting in my room alone and not giving a shit about you or anything around me. Because at times I just wanted to throw it all away.

My trust had been shattered and my confidence was compromised. The hurt, the anger and the disappointment hit me worse than anything I have ever felt. I cried, I screamed, and I lashed out at the people I love because of a stupid action. Can I forgive? I will, but for now I am not there yet, so please don’t ask.

Moving forward to today, as I turn 48, and for the first time in a while, I’m trying to model the behavior that I want my friends and family to see. To see a soul that is filled with love and not depression. To see a heart that is full of love and not bitterness. And in order to control that depression I had to bury myself into crossfit and yoga. It was my saving grace. I had to lift weights to release the tension of the day. I had to lay in Shavasana to free my mind because at times the thoughts were unbearable. Depression is not easy to understand, it’s not easy to love and it’s not for everyone to know. So, understand that what you do see is not always what you get and if it’s not for you, then it’s ok. I will be ok. But if you do know someone who is depressed, be there, be an ear and listen. They don’t always ask, but you’ll know.

That is all I’ve wanted.

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“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.”

I read this a few days ago and I see much more clearly on how my life plays out in many of your lives.

“The main thought, the one that plays itself over and over in my mind, is this: nothing is anyone’s business. What we think. Who we love. If our perspective differs from another human who walks this planet, trying the best to make sense of any of it.

We don’t need to normalize. To standardize. To walk a mile in anyone else’s shoes. We just have to allow each other the space to breathe in and out…in and out…hand on belly as we ride the pulse of humanity and ask, all 7.1 billion of us who occupy this spinning globe, the same question.

Who am I?”

A woman who is going to celebrate her birthday with whiskey, tacos and CAKE!

jRose

“I was gonna punch you, but I’m holding wine.” Linda Belcher, Bob’s Burgers

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